Seattle Mom Blogs

Before I came to the United States, the concept of letting a child choose was a very alien one.

I know that makes us sound like a bunch of tyrants but those were once some of your parenting concepts in, like, times of yore. Sadly, they are still our present-day philosophies. Children are meant to be seen and not heard. Speak only when you’re spoken to. My way or the high way.

I first learnt of “limiting choices” at my older daughter’s cooperative preschool, which I’d first joined because it was close to where I’d lived in Redmond, and because it was very affordable. There were monthly compulsory parenting education classes we had to attend as part of our commitment, and I then learnt how to offer choices to my then 3.5 year old.

“Would you like to stand up or would you like me to help you stand up?”

“Would you like milk or water?”

“Would you like to clean up your toys now or after we have lunch?”

I thought it was genius. Not only did I get what I want as a parent – to make my child eat and drink what I thought was appropriate, clean up, stand up – the child also had some measure of control over the very simple act of making a choice, which in turn gave them some satisfaction and happiness in their little daily lives.

And then I attended ANOTHER parenting class about nutrition, and we talked about power struggles over food. The nutritionist had advised that the best course of action was to:

1) accept that you have NO control what they will or will not eat

2) accept that our role as the cook was only to offer healthy choices at the dinner table and not to force the food down their little throats

Again, alien. In Malaysia, scores of parents, nannies and babysitters still sit down with a spoon in one hand and a bowl of rice in the other, in front of the TV, feeding the kids until perhaps middle school when the children themselves feel embarrassed by it (at about age 10 or 11?).

The method was fast (20 minutes tops), it was efficient and tidy (no spills, rice on the carpet, etc). And then the grownups can have a sit-down meal in peace. Who cares about learning table manners and quality family time when you don’t have to deal with messy kids, power struggles and WASTE?

Waste is perhaps the biggest issue I have with this “live and let eat” philosophy, for which is more important to your child? Giving them a chance to listen to their bodies, or having them learn not to waste food? Nutritionists and other parents have suggested maybe letting my kids take what they want (instead of me making sure they take a little of everything). They almost always end up taking a piece of bread and nothing else, so it’s back to square one.

We’ve also adopted the “No Thank You” bite rule (thanks Skye!) where they HAVE to take one obligatory bite before saying they don’t want it. And that’s what they usually do.

My dear husband has suggested cooking the same dishes every day, dishes I know they will want to eat. That is NO way to live.

In the end, I decided waste (especially in our tough economic climate) was a more important lesson. And so, we’ve gone back to our Malaysian roots but with an American twist: I make a special bowl, rice with whatever I cook that they may not have eaten before and would normally not voluntarily eat if I let them choose, and I mix it all up like a salad or a savory rice. I split the rice up into two bowls, and then give them a choice of ten spoons or 15 spoons (gauging from the amount I’ve given them). It has worked like a miracle. They usually have only a vague idea of what they’re eating (pork or carrots or noodles). Once in a while, they will pick out something they don’t like but very rarely. In the end, they really don’t care if they know they have a choice – ten or 15 spoons, and I’m done. There’s no wastage, the kids learn to eat new and exotic types of food (even if they may not know it) and they still have a small measure of control.

Limiting choices IS genius, I tell ya.

So what are YOUR ideas for reconciling waste and want at mealtimes? Come share!

Read more of Jennifer Tais writing atThe I’mPerfect Momor enjoy her photos atwww.jennifertai.net. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for Tea Leaf Journals, email jenn[at]theimperfectmom[dot]com.

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So theBeeb reported todaythat the UK Family Planning Associate is pushing a sex ed booklet – to six-year-olds.

It’s called “Let’s Grow with Nisha and Joe”. Its topics, according to the article, include parts of the body and how to be safe.

I can just see my husband’s reaction when I forward him this link.

“What?! Are they crazy?” he’d respond on IM. I always know he’s serious when he responds an email with an instant message because he doesn’t like to chat at work.

The cliche has always been that Asians are a little more conservative than Westerners when it comes to open displays of affection and sex. It’s a cliche for a reason – it’s the truth.

Until a few years ago, the act of two lovers kissing in an Asian movie (apart from porn – and even those show more of the hard stuff because, you know, kissing is very intimate) was considered risque. I remember about ten years ago, Singapore made its first serial that had a couple kissing for more than 30 seconds. It was the talk of the country for a month – and the most awkward thing I’d ever seen.

The irony is, most of us are okay with Westerners kissing, hugging and what have you. We aren’t prudes. It’s just that such flamboyant displays of affection are just not our thing, but we don’t judge it.On the other hand, if we see a couple of Asian teens making out on the bus, we’d not hesitate to give them two smacks up side the head and tell them to show some respect.

This is very odd because my husband and I are affectionate people, and we are often kissing and hugging in front of his parents, not the heavy stuff, you know, just regular pecks on the lips and lingering hugs before work. We’d always been this way, even in Malaysia. It’s just different when you’re married I guess (being married makes all the difference in Malaysia – you can be getting jiggy at the playground and it’d be okay as long as there’s a ring on your finger).

So back to this whole sex ed for six-year-olds thing. I think it is futile to try and shield our kids from these things when sex is so pervasive in our society. Don’t even go that far.I think my six-year-old already sees that the way Daddy kisses her goodbye in the morning is very different from the way he kisses Mommy. How the heck do you hide that?

I believe that kids are becoming smarter and this makes trying to hide these facts of life all the more dangerous because the more you try and distract them from the truth, the more they’d want to know. Here we are trying to encourage a healthy sense of curiosity about the world around them, but when it comes to sex, we’re just going to pretend it does not exist until they’re, say, seven? That’s just silly.

I’m not saying Family Porn Night. Surely there is a way to talk about sex to a six-year-old without it degrading into some smutty discussion. And what better way than to start the conversation with a picture book?

What do YOU think about a sex ed book for six-year olds? Is it too much too soon? If so, why?

Read more of Jennifer Tais writing at The I’mPerfect Mom or enjoy her photos at www.jennifertai.net. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for Tea Leaf Journals, email jenn[at]theimperfectmom[dot]com.

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