Seattle Mom Blogs

Remember what I wrote last week? You know, the mile-long list of how motherhood gets in the way of a perfectly orgasmic sex life? Well, I wasnt just making that stuff up. Because, look. Here. Even the Wall Street Journal says its true. And when WSJ says parents sex lives suck, you know they mean business.

The beginning of the article (Researchers Target Toll Kids Take on Parents’ Sex Lives by Rachel Zimmerman) reminds me of that hilarious IKEA commercial where the kid, playing with his toys, comes across Moms vibrator and thinks its the coolest rocket ship ever. vrrooOOOOM!

Its nice that the article opens with a bang. Because then Zimmerman delivers this significant blow:

A study by psychologist John Gottman published in 2000 in the Journal of Family Psychology found that two-thirds of couples experience a significant decline in marriage satisfaction — including less-frequent or less-satisfying sex, more conflict and more emotional distance — after the first baby arrives.

OK, ladies, its a downer. But not a shocker. As Zimmerman says, considering the sleep deprivation, loss of freedom, lack of time, and keeping score on who does more dishes,” its no surprise that marital bliss post-kids goes down the drain. What is surprising, though, is how researchers are focusing on a couples sex life, not only as a casualty of all this chaos, but as a solution to it.

First, the casualty part of the equation. Turns out weve got more stacked against our sex lives than just last weeks Mondo List of Why Moms *Might* Not Like Sex Too. Add to that, if you have enough fingers, human biology:

Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, who studies the brain circuitry of romantic love, says millions of years of evolutionary adaptation account for a couple’s divergent sexual interests after kids are born. For instance, when a woman is nursing and holding her child, levels of the hormone oxytocin surge, leading to intense feelings of attachment. Testosterone levels, which are related to sex drive, plummet. “Mom’s not just overly tired and making excuses — she’s drugged,” Dr. Fisher says. “From a Darwinian, evolutionary perspective, if mom’s not there to take care of the baby, it will get eaten by a lion. . . . Both parents are fighting a basic evolutionary mechanism that evolved to strengthen the mother/infant and parental bond, not the sexual bond.”

Eegads.

But, before you deep-six the wooden box of condoms you keep stored on the top shelf of your closet, or invite the motherhood over for a bonfire of all come-hither lingerie, theres HOPE. And that is this: The Parenting Sex Books* say that restoring your sex life and intimate bonds…will help resolve other issues that arise when babies arrive.

How? Human biology again. Turns out that

men and women can fight the [previously described] chemical reaction with more brain chemicals. . . . Any kind of sexual stimulation drives up dopamine, which is associated with romantic love, and triggers other “feel good” hormones to wash over the brain. Dr. Fisher says this means couples should have sex even if they don’t feel like it.

Yes, you heard that right, EVEN IF YOU DONT FEEL LIKE IT. Because, lets be honest here, whens the last time, after a long frazzling day, you REALLY felt like it? (OK, all you pregnant ladies with your engorged netherparts and rampant libidos, put your hands down.)

The article continues:

Dr. Fisher advises parents to think about sex like exercise — it’s healthy and even if you may not be up for it initially, it generates good feelings afterward. Dr. Fisher notes that positive hormones are released whether the sex lasts for minutes or hours.

And this, I must say, strikes a chord for me. I DO get a lovey-dovey feeling after sexeven quickie sex. But Im not sure this is true for all women. The other day on the phone with my girlfriend, I mentioned this post-sex, lovey-dovey feeling to her.

GIRLFRIEND: Silence.

ME: You know, that romantic, isn’t-life-great feeling after making love?

GIRLFRIEND: Silence.

ME: Um. I think it’s called afterglow…?

GIRLFRIEND [finally]: You know, sex for me is more physical. It doesnt really make me feel lovey-dovey. Its just fun.

Since then, I did a little polling. And found other women for whom sex is not the font of lovey-dovey-ness. They say they get those feel good emotions from bonding in other ways. E.g. conversing over a bottle of wine in the evening, taking a shower together every night, or doing some other activity together after the kids have gone to bed. (Scrabble anyone?)

Course, I havent polled the guys in these relationships. And sex, for them, might register higher on the lovey-dovey (or at least the NEED SEX NOW) scale.

In any case, if the Parenting Sex Books* are right, then “new parents who regard sex as something extra in their lives are making a mistake. Because, like exercise, sex is good for us. And even if, for you, its not the romantic equivalent of the birds-and-bees knees, it is at least one way to express LOVE.

And goodness knows were better parents when theres more of THAT flying around.

*The Parenting Sex Books:
by Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman of Seattle’s Relationship Research Institute
by three mothers, Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill, and Julia Stone
by New York marriage and family therapist Esther Perel
I also recommend reading Zimmerman’s article, and checking back at Moms Like Sex Too, as I hope to tackle some of the article’s stickier questions in future posts.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog . If you have questions or topic ideas for Moms Like Sex Too, email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.