Seattle Mom Blogs

Last week I blogged about one of the hurdles moms have to overcome in the 50-year dash that is a healthy sex life. Namely, Good Mom Baggage. And while that little valise of psychological crap is not a light one (at least not in my experience), it is only one (1) piece of baggage among many.

Because, as weve all lamented to our partners, friends, mothers, therapists, and complete strangers at the playground, there are so many physical, emotional, hormonal, psychological, and logistical challenges to a mom’s (and pre-mom’s) sex life that, at times, it feels insurmountable.

Now, we all knowfrom personal experiencewhat these challenges are. But just to demonstrate the reality of what were up against here, I thought it might be helpful (masochistic?) to lay it all out in one place. They say the first step to recovery is recognizing the problem. So here, my fellow moms, is the problem: (And thanks to Absolutely Bananas comment on my last post for starting this list. You can add whatever Ive missed to the comments below.)

THE MONDO LIST OF WHY MOMS *MIGHT NOT* LIKE SEX TOO:

Lets start at the very beginning
[Insert here any preexisting issues that the Sexual Goddess within you may have faced before becoming a mom, e.g. sexual ignorance, repression, guilt (Catholic or no), abortion, rape/molestation/assault, sexism, heterosexism, harassment, weight, body image, self esteem, being called a slut/tease/prude, STDs, inability to reach orgasm, your mothers/ex-boyfriends/therapists voice in your head, fantasies that make you go hm, miscommunication, discomfort, fear.]

Okie-dokie. Now, lets add in motherhood

First, if you got pregnant easily, then you can skip ahead to the boobs section

And if you got pregnant a little TOO easily, then figure out how to have a good sex life while preparing for this (surprise) , or while arranging a shotgun wedding, or while contemplating being a single momand then skip ahead to the boobs section

And if you had a hard time getting pregnant, well, thats enough to kill your sex life before the morning sickness even beginsthe examinations, the urinations, the medications, the endless doctors visits in the middle of your workday, the shots in the butt, the semen in the cup, the side effects to every drug combo you try, the turkey baster, the IVF, the immense strain on the relationship, until:

A) you give up on kids entirely (in which case youre not a mom and probably not reading this column), or
B) you find some other way to have kids, e.g. adopt (skip ahead to adoption section below), or
C) you FINALLY get pregnant and now you have to deal with

tender , lactating boobs, big-as-your-big-blue-exercise-ball-boobs, cross-eyed boobs, lopsided boobs, breast-pumping boobs that make you say mooOOO, stretch-marked boobs, , boobs

plus the additional poundage on your tummy, chest, butt, arms, hips, thighs, calves, ankles, neck, eyelidswhile all the while your head-leg-armpit-etc. hairs are growing so fast and weird and (horrors!) gray, you neither have time nor funds nor balance-reach-flexibility-finesse to shampoo-style-cut-dye-shave-pluck them

and, of course, the vericose veins, , leg cramps, morning-afternoon-evening sickness, lethargy, blimpedness, clothes la muumuu, sore back, sore feet, neck crick, cant-bend-over-to-tie-your-shoes, until

let’s not even get into what pushing an object the size of a HUMAN BEING through your hootie does

well, OK, let’s…rips, tears, stretches, stitches, tenderness, soreness, achiness, fear-of-pooping-let-alone-screwing, and, once you do either, PAINand if youre a C-section gal like me, post-surgery recovery (OUCH) and scar tissue that bulges like a (or five) under your skin to prove it

and then there are the hormones and the odd tweaking of brain chemistry that makes you feel weepy, flakey, forgetful, impatient, mercurial, insecure, stupid, touchy, rageful, guilty, sentimental, crabby, hyper-fill-in-the-blank, and downright depressedfor which you may take sanity-saving drugs which, alas, have the side effect of decreasing your libido, drying up your juices (which happens from the hormones anyway), making it hard to reach the BIG O, and making you worry about how you’re ever going to go off this medication with any semblance of grace…

and, on another tack, if instead of going the birth route, you go the adoption route, scrap all of the above in exchange for nine [insert bafflingly large number here] months (years?) filling out paperwork, checking boxes, delineating sex, age, location, health risks, congenital defects, etc etc that make you feel guilty with each tick of the boxdotting the ts and crossing the is on every aspect of your relationship to ensure that yours appears to be the most perfect home for a child on the planet (meanwhile driving yourself nuts)until you DO get promised a childand you waitand it falls throughand you get another child in your sightsand you waitand you stressand you waitand you spend tens of thousands of dollarsuntil finally you bring home YOUR child that you cant help but worry might some day be taken away due to some unforeseen red tape

[might ANY of this have ANY effect on your sex life...?]

plus, however you become a mom, emotions that range from loving your child SO MUCH you feel like someone has dragged your heart from your chest and pinned it precariously to your (spit-up-upon) blouse where it threatens to beat, flap, fall apart, and basically (including your sex life) that you once held dearor, on the other hand, feeling so utterly AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH with your child that you understand why the Health Dept. mails out those dreadful shaken-baby-syndrome brochures and you wonder how Anyone ever saw fit to let you be a mom

add to that the Good Wife Syndrome, the Good Mom Baggage, the worries about [everything], the things your partner does (or doesnt do) as a parent/partner that absolutely flummox/horrify/infuriate you, plus the intense/intimate/vulnerable feeling of always giving-loving-giving, and the inverse and totally natural reaction to not want to be even more intense/intimate/vulnerable later on in bed

plus the sleepless nights, the tearful days, the sheer always-ness of constantly being needed, the poopy diapers, the whiny voice, the am-I-ruining-my-child fear that accompanies the smallest decisions, the pure exhaustion, the stretch-thin-edness, the feeling that this chaos will never end

oh, and whatever toll all this chaos is taking on your relationship, your career, your friendships, your sense of worth, your identity as a woman, as a sexual being, and as a once-independent adult person

breathe

So, how on earth CAN Moms Like Sex Too, you ask?

Well, thats what were here to figure out.

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog . If you have questions or topic ideas for Moms Like Sex Too, email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.