Tea Leaf Journals
Waste not, want not
Before I came to the United States, the concept of letting a child choose was a very alien one.
I know that makes us sound like a bunch of tyrants but those were once some of your parenting concepts in, like, times of yore. Sadly, they are still our present-day philosophies. Children are meant to be seen and not heard. Speak only when you’re spoken to. My way or the high way.
I first learnt of “limiting choices” at my older daughter’s cooperative preschool, which I’d first joined because it was close to where I’d lived in Redmond, and because it was very affordable. There were monthly compulsory parenting education classes we had to attend as part of our commitment, and I then learnt how to offer choices to my then 3.5 year old.
“Would you like to stand up or would you like me to help you stand up?”
“Would you like milk or water?”
“Would you like to clean up your toys now or after we have lunch?”
I thought it was genius. Not only did I get what I want as a parent - to make my child eat and drink what I thought was appropriate, clean up, stand up - the child also had some measure of control over the very simple act of making a choice, which in turn gave them some satisfaction and happiness in their little daily lives.
And then I attended ANOTHER parenting class about nutrition, and we talked about power struggles over food. The nutritionist had advised that the best course of action was to:
1) accept that you have NO control what they will or will not eat
2) accept that our role as the cook was only to offer healthy choices at the dinner table and not to force the food down their little throats
Again, alien. In Malaysia, scores of parents, nannies and babysitters still sit down with a spoon in one hand and a bowl of rice in the other, in front of the TV, feeding the kids until perhaps middle school when the children themselves feel embarrassed by it (at about age 10 or 11?).
The method was fast (20 minutes tops), it was efficient and tidy (no spills, rice on the carpet, etc). And then the grownups can have a sit-down meal in peace. Who cares about learning table manners and quality family time when you don’t have to deal with messy kids, power struggles and WASTE?
Waste is perhaps the biggest issue I have with this “live and let eat” philosophy, for which is more important to your child? Giving them a chance to listen to their bodies, or having them learn not to waste food? Nutritionists and other parents have suggested maybe letting my kids take what they want (instead of me making sure they take a little of everything). They almost always end up taking a piece of bread and nothing else, so it’s back to square one.
We’ve also adopted the “No Thank You” bite rule (thanks Skye!) where they HAVE to take one obligatory bite before saying they don’t want it. And that’s what they usually do.
My dear husband has suggested cooking the same dishes every day, dishes I know they will want to eat. That is NO way to live.
In the end, I decided waste (especially in our tough economic climate) was a more important lesson. And so, we’ve gone back to our Malaysian roots but with an American twist: I make a special bowl, rice with whatever I cook that they may not have eaten before and would normally not voluntarily eat if I let them choose, and I mix it all up like a salad or a savory rice. I split the rice up into two bowls, and then give them a choice of ten spoons or 15 spoons (gauging from the amount I’ve given them). It has worked like a miracle. They usually have only a vague idea of what they’re eating (pork or carrots or noodles). Once in a while, they will pick out something they don’t like but very rarely. In the end, they really don’t care if they know they have a choice - ten or 15 spoons, and I’m done. There’s no wastage, the kids learn to eat new and exotic types of food (even if they may not know it) and they still have a small measure of control.
Limiting choices IS genius, I tell ya.
So what are YOUR ideas for reconciling waste and want at mealtimes? Come share!
Read more of Jennifer Tai’s writing at The I’mPerfect Mom or enjoy her photos at www.jennifertai.net. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for Tea Leaf Journals, email jenn[at]theimperfectmom[dot]com.
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Tags: Asian parenting, fusion parenting, Malaysian parenting, meal times, nutrition, power struggles, Tea Leaf Journals
At dinnertime, when we notice they’re not eating something (usually a vegetable), we ask for 3 bites, and then we let it go. The rest does go to waste sometimes, but I try to remember not to give more than 3 bites of anything I think they may not like.
Our rule is fairly simple. We stock the house with healthy food that we know will be nutritious and won’t ever mind our kids eating a lot of. When we cook we let the kids know they have total control over what they eat. They can take as much or as little as they want of anything on the table, but they must eat everything they take. If they take only bread one night, that’s fine with me. It’s a hearty, grainy, whole wheat bread! If they eat a whole bowl of carrots but no spinach, that’s fine too. If they don’t eat much during dinner and are hungry later, they are offered all they want of any of the left overs. I find that not making a power struggle out of food/meals makes kids more likely to try new things. If they have power over their choices they will take some risks. If they are forced to eat stuff they really don’t like they like it can cause lifelong aversions to that food. They are older now (11 and 13) and we go out to eat a lot, and go to all kinds of ethnic restaurants. My kids are very adventurous and will try just about anything now! And they are healthy and happy too.