Crazy Much

The Path to Peace Is Filled with Potholes (And I Lose My Way A Lot)

For the last couple of years, I have been attempting to speak from my heart (and to speak less often).

I succeed about one out of ten times.

Here is one of those times…

I am heading upstairs, to get clothes for all of us to wear. Our housemates are still sleeping, so I want to be quiet, but, of course, Mica cries out “Ah-deeeee!” every third step and Orlando thump-KER-flumps up the stairs behind me (how can a child so small be so loud?).

Once we are finally in our room with the door closed, Orlando starts jumping all over the bed, and in excitement, Mica amps up the volume on his “Ah-deeeee!”s.

I am standing in the unpacked pile of clothes from a recent trip, trying to scrounge up something close to clean when I turn around and aim myself at Orlando and say, “Stop, Orlando, stop. Stop jumping!” in a clenched, sideways stress-whisper way.

He keeps jumping. I feel my irritation escalate. A berating stream of words is filling up my chest, creeping along the tops of my shoulder blades, prickly words of Why isn’t he listening to me! He needs to stop!

But then I choose to “stop.” I take a breath.

“Orlando,” I say, “when I see you jumping around on the bed, I feel so tense! Because I am really needing some peace and quiet right now. Would you be willing to jump later?”

He stops his spazzy little body from flying about the room, says, “Okay, Mama,” and walks over to sit next to me on the bed.

Then he says, “Mama, I love you.”

It was in the Nonviolent Communication workbook when I first read the phrase Trust that when hearts connect, solutions will emerge.

Or how about the “Four Gates of Speech,” which asks one to look into the veracity, necessity, helpfulness, and kindness of one’s words before speaking. They even use this one in preschool – ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

Or there’s the Buddhist practice of Right Speech, which urges one to tell the truth, to talk only when necessary, and to abstain from divisive speech, abusive speech, and idle chatter.

Or how about this one? “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

They all add up to something like this:

1. Know how you really feel inside.
2. Figure out why you feel that way.
3. Decide whether or not you have a (reasonable) request to make of another person.
4. If so, make your request kindly and clearly. If not, be quiet.

I can’t believe I never really understood these concepts until I was a grown-up!

Basically, throughout my life, my speech practice has been something like this:

• I feel ANGRY and it’s the OTHER PERSON’S FAULT so I am going to SPEAK SHARPLY or YELL at them. Or perhaps I’ll just act all PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. Later, of course, I’ll feel badly and apologize. Maybe.

But while I can see my old ways and how they don’t always work out so well, I still can’t stop myself from reverting to them, especially when I am feeling stressed.

Here’s another adage for you: Old habits die hard.

And thus, here we arrive at my nearly patented ending to my every parenting post…

I know what I believe and what feels right and good in my heart. I can’t always practice it. I mess up, a lot. I try again, and try not to beat myself up about repeating the same mistakes, over and over.

I reassure myself: This is a path. I am glad I am on it at all.

And for my compass, I have my children.

As soon as I change my energy to one of hope and open-heartedness, they are already there, playing along the path, ready to meet me, more than half-way.

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Read more of Stacy’s writing at Mama-Om. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for “Crazy Much?” email stacy[@]seattlemomblogs[dot]com. I’d love to hear from you!

Thanks to clairerikalena for the compass photo!