Tea Leaf Journals

A grand kind of love

 

The first thing I remember about being a child, before I would always be remembered as being the older child, was that I was loved greatly by my paternal grandparents (my maternal grandparents died shortly after I was born).

“Your Ma Ma used to carry you everywhere. Around the block for a walk when she wouldn’t even walk two feet to switch off the TV,” my mother would reminisce, not unkindly, but not happily either, since she had probably been the one having to switch said TV off.

Evening walks, morning walks, never a harsh word for me but plenty for my parents for scolding me. Sweet treats all hours of the day. Shameless, copious amounts of cooing and coddling. Your typical grandparental doting.  

Sadly, I don’t remember anything about my grandparents since they died shortly after my sister was born. All I remember are the two severe faces I’ve seen every day through my childhood, faces on two 11 X 20 black and white portraits that hung in our living room in the house I’d grown up in. And yet, the knowledge that my grandparents loved me so fiercely (and unfairly) always gave me a profound sense of joy, something my sister never knew (and was always a little sad and annoyed when the issue came up). Growing up in a household that was not always peaceful, remembering my grandparents’ love was sometimes all I had to weather through those tough times. It is odd, and perhaps even miraculous, how the love of two people with whom I have blood relations but hardly knew, could give me the confidence and security I sometimes did not get from my parents.

Having three generations, or more, living under one roof in Malaysia – and I expect, much of Asia – is indeed still a longstanding practice. From young, we are raised to respect our elders and to expect that when we are old enough to secure our own livelihoods, it is our indubitable duty to care for them and indeed, anyone else who’s closely related to us who is incapable of caring for themselves; an aunt, an older cousin, an older brother or sister.

In terms of having the support you need to raise young children, the free babysitting and childcare is nice, but it is more than that. In fact, it is almost an insult if you hire a nanny or send your baby to a daycare if your parents are around and are willing and able to help you, although I hear that more and more grandparents today are beginning to let go of these traditions, which I’m not sure is a good thing. Getting them involved is really a way we honor their experience, a way of showing them that they are part of the family and are needed, for what is worse than growing old and losing your sense of belonging in the world?

Today, my in-laws live with us semi-permanently here in Seattle. They visit every year for six months, and for six months, Lokes and I have all the help we need to keep house and raise our children. A lot of my American friends are taken aback when I share this with them.

“Six months? Gosh, how are you coping?” they’d ask, concerned.

To be honest, it’s not too bad. In a Malaysian Chinese household, the grandmother is often the one who cooks and helps to care for the kids. In mine, my father-in-law is also an active participant, shopping for groceries and taking out the garbage. That takes away the two things I dislike doing most as a stay-at-home mom, which works out pretty well.

Of course, it is not always smooth sailing. When the kids first came along, there were the usual “teething” problems of differing child-rearing philosophies, in that we were trying to raise children, and they were trying to raise grandchildren. Who sets the rules? What happens when a grownup doesn’t enforce these rules? What happens when a grownup does not AGREE with these rules? Because it is not our custom to address these issues openly (it is not considered polite, and being impolite to your elders is a big no-no), there are bound to be some tension in a household of three generations.

Still, having their grandparents around has had a positive impact on the girls. They learn the ever-important Confucian tenet of caring for and respecting their elders. In return, my in-laws relish the opportunity of watching their grandchildren grow up, sharing with them stories and lessons that my husband and I may have very well forgotten about our customs and traditions. Most importantly, the children benefit from all that love – that unconditional, unreasonable, fill-in-the-gaps love that only grandparents are sanctioned to give.

A love that I, for one, know will last a lifetime. 

Read more of Jennifer Tai’s writing at The I’mPerfect Mom. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for Tea Leaf Journals, email jenn[at]theimperfectmom[dot]com.

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