Crazy Much
Who’s Your Mama?
I wear a pendant that says First, keep the peace within yourself. Then you can also bring peace to others. Some guy in the 1300s said it but many people have said before and since.
- Peace begins within.
- Put your oxygen mask on first, then assist those around you.
- Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
They all boil down to one thing…. Take care of yourself first. I remember my mom saying this very thing to me in the first weeks of my baby’s life and I thought she was off her rocker. I was holding a tiny baby! Who needed me! All the time!
It’s been five years now and her words are starting to sink in. How have I managed to keep myself happy when I’m busy keeping those other little folks happy?
Well, I’m still trying, but the first thing I did was stop thinking that there was some finite amount of happy, and that it was either me or them who was having it. This involves partnership thinking, and it involves therapy.
The second thing I did was decide that it is not selfish to focus on self-care first. If peace is my priority and bringing peace to others requires peace within, then hello? It’s all about me, baby.
The third thing is taking time for myself. In addition to sanity-saving time away from my kids to write and meditate, I’m talking about time on the micro level.
Taking care of everyone else first or bearing down and plowing through unpleasant situations are hard habits for me to break. But I’ve started taking many mini breaks throughout the day – especially when I am feeling upset, resentful or frustrated. I close my eyes and take a few breaths while relaxing my stomach.
Or I ring our mindfulness bell. When my toddler isn’t carrying it around the house and banging it on things, it sits on a cabinet at the bottom of our stairs. Anyone can ring it when they are feeling the need for a bit of peace or space. This physical action signifies self-care and helps us cool the heat (and keeps us from saying angry words or taking angry actions).
Here are examples of our mindfulness bell in action…
My almost five year old son and I are playing a turn-taking game and I accidentally take two turns. (Spacey much?) He is so frustrated I can tell he is about to pick up the game and throw it. Instead, he jumps up and rings the bell, stays there for a few minutes, and comes back to tell me, “I feel centered now.” We begin playing again.
* * *
I am sitting at the bottom of the stairs. I have spent the morning in futility. The kids are barely dressed, toys are everywhere, the kitchen is a hazardous waste zone, I am tired and hungry. I ring the bell and breathe deeply a few times. I open my eyes to see both kids standing at the doorway regarding me with curiosity. I open my arms and they climb into my lap.
After five years of being a mama, my mother’s words are resonating throughout my life. Each time I hear the mindfulness bell, I think of the circle of mothering – my mom, my self, my children – and of how we can all take care of each other, and ourselves, one moment at a time.
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Read more of Stacy’s writing at Mama-Om. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for “Crazy Much?” email stacy[@]seattlemomblogs[dot]com. I’d love to hear from you!
The photo is by me, Stacy Lewis.
Tags: parenting
I think most of us moms forget that we need to be healthy in order to take care of those around us.
I love having the bell to remind us of that.
(I know I forget about ME sometimes. It’s amazing what taking an hour to myself can do for my sanity. And the sanity of those around me!)
Great first post! I love the bell idea - I like that it takes the focus off the anger-thing and gives the person something elese to focus on - if even for a moment
Congrats on your first post
What a beautiful first post. I have never heard of a mindfulness bell. I want one.
[...] a Heads or Tails Tuesday today. The topic wasn’t one that spoke to me, but then I read this post about keeping the peace within yourself. Basically to start with your own peace of mind because without that you can’t really make [...]
Mindfulness bell? I love it! (And I love that your toddler said he felt centered.) What a great way to not only center yourself, but to let those around you know you’re feeling a frazzled. How sweet that your kiddos heard the bell and came and gave you hugs!
I really love this idea; once we adopt I’ll have to use it!
Thanks for the inspiration.
Hi. I run the Heads Or Tails weekly meme and I saw someone (Mom’s Journal) had left a link to here in her post, so I came over.
I can see why this post inspired her. It just so happens to be something I needed to read today as well. I am struggling right now to find that peace within myself.
Thanks, everyone, for the comments! It’s great to know I’ve struck a chord (hee hee).
I’ve had a few folks ask about where to get a mindfulness bell… I use a “singing bowl” I bought locally from the East-West Bookshop for around $45. (I think of it as a life-time investment.)
I like that it sits on a flat surface and can be rung like a gong (no need to jiggle a little bell and then keep holding on to it). Plus it sounds really beautiful!
But really, you can assign mindfulness to any task or action, so it doesn’t even have to be a bell. Maybe you’ll choose something to hold (e.g., a special rock) or a certain place to sit to help you get back to center, etc.
Whatever you choose, I will be sending you all good wishes. This is such hard work, sometimes I think I need a giant gong! (LOL!)
Blessings to everyone,
Stacy
Thanks for the tip on where to get one. I’m gonna do it!
I love this Stacy! We moms all need to be reminded of putting on the oxygen mask first from time to time!
So do you mind sharing a little more about how you use the bell? Basically, do you mind telling us how you introduced it to your kids, how you explained it to them, and how you instructed them to use it?
I ask because we’re going to be adopting kids from foster care soon and the transition will be stressful for all of us. I’d like to use this as a tool for the family - I think it could be a wonderful way for all of us to, well, stay centered! I’m just not sure how I’d explain it to them or how exactly to tell them to use it. You ring it, take a deep breath, just take a minute to calm yourself? Are you supposed to think about anything in particular, like a peaceful scene or something?
Sorry for all the questions, I think this is fantastic and would love to learn more about it! Feel free to just direct me to a website or book if there is one. Thanks!!!
Hi Susan,
I have the best luck introducing my kids to things by modeling. So I think I brought the bell home and said, “This is our new mindfulness bell,” and let the kids look at it, ring it, etc. Then I said, “Here is where it goes.”
I am not even sure I told them about its use at first. But the next time I was feeling unsettled, I said, “I am going to ring the mindfulness bell to give myself some space and time,” or something like that.
I also told my son that ringing the bell was a safe thing and a way to take time to ourselves. It was never a punishment, etc.
I also firmly believe that someone shouldn’t command you to go ring the mindfulness bell, but I did say to my son a few times, “Do you think ringing the bell will help you feel centered?”
We also refer to the bell when he is having a conflict (usually a struggle over a toy) with another kid. I’ve told him, “It’s okay to let go, Boo. We can find a solution for everyone. Just think of the mindfulness bell.” (I say it quietly/privately to him.)
As for what I think of/see when I ring it — I mainly do it to give myself space to feel whatever I may be feeling at that moment (e.g., wow, I am overwhelmed… or I see, I am sad about…). I breathe slowly, just feeling my breath. I try not to stress out about calming down, ifykwim. I just try to “be” for a moment. Sometimes my kids let me, but sometimes they don’t, so I do my best.
There aren’t books on mindfulness bells, that I know of, but there are many books about insight meditation. Insight meditation is a non-secular Buddhist practice that has two parts — a dedicated practice of mindfulness (e.g., sitting meditation) and daily life practice (being mindful in every moment). A good intro book might be Peace Is Every Step by Thich Naht Hanh.
Okay, this is really long!
Thanks for asking — please feel free to email me privately for more info!