The key is to do so in the least offensive way.

Generally, if I feel strongly about something, I tell myself to A) relax about it and B) come back to it later, when I may have a clearer mind on the subject and I’m not just letting my feelings take control. Sometimes I find that I just don’t care as much as I thought I did – and that’s fine too. Imagine if I’d posted my initial reaction? Yikes!

It doesn’t always work, but I find that reacting strongly can either work for or against you and it is definitely something everyone should be aware that they are doing when they are doing it.

Carrie– I totally agree. It’s okay to disagree, but respect is key.

And from what I gather, we should speak as to not offend, but there are some lines you will cross that are going to offend– no matter what, and it varies between individuals. Am I getting this right?

Sorry. I know, I am ten-years-old.

I have enjoyed reading the discussion. I don’t have anything new to add, other than supporting the view that what is important to one may not be important to another (as sad as that is) and that is why if your intent is to tread lightly and not offend, than you should do just that.

There is a big difference in making friends and having a lively debate and I don’t see why the 2 have to go hand in hand. I do believe people should be respectful and word their responses carefully . . . in either arena. Also – it is OKAY to disagree, just do it without losing your dignity!

And – never comment when you have pms – that is my general rule! And I say that with a smile on my face ladies.

Carry on . . .

“I get the feeling that you would either just only be friends with people who believe similarly than you, or that you would rather be right, than be friendly” Most people naturally gravitate to others because of their similarities. That’s usually what brings them together in the first place. That doesn’t mean that if a friend has a different opinion about something it’s time to cut ties and run, especially if it’s something as mundane as whether or not movie xyz is good or not.

“I think people in general need to not drink Coca Cola after 7 pm.” That’s just a wordy way of saying, “I don’t think people should drink Coke after 7”. It’s not judging or adding pressure, it’s still trying to control the behavior of others. But like Agi said – if someone told me I shouldn’t drink Coke after seven I would just laugh at them. Someone telling me how I should or shouldn’t raise my kid for example ticks me off-fa-fah.

smarmoofus – Thank you, and very well put. Of course.

emily – very true. And we often add tone to the things we read where it might not exist again, especially on topics we’re passionate about.

Agi – I’m sorry your friends expected you to just go along with something that goes against, well, your daughter and husband. And Ack! (this part is off topic, sorry) Learning about civil rights ruined the innocence? I can’t imagine how learning history would ever be a bad thing – regardless of age. I think repressing knowledge does a great disservice to the kids. I mean we’re ultimately teaching and training them to be independent people and for that to happen they need info.

With more serious matters, on the off chance that the view might offend someone, instead of saying “I don’t think anybody should X,” perhaps we should say “I don’t do X because it may lead to Y,” or “I don’t do X because it conflicts with my religion/belief set.” That way we can express our view and provide a reasonable justification for it without condemning other peoples’ actions. And perhaps we might educate someone who wasn’t aware of a possible consequence of a given action, or provide an opportunity for healthy debate of an issue citing well-researched authority.

Agi, I’m sorry you experienced such horrible treatment from people you thought to be friends. But I’m glad you made the decision to stand up for your family and your convictions. And, slightly off topic, I think it’s ridiculous that in the same debate where they are telling you to just “get along” with people who accept racism, they’re suggesting that the civil rights issue is “ancient history.” Obviously it’s not, or there wouldn’t have been a discussion.

But-if someone tells me that my belief is immoral, or that my politics are stupid, or the way I was raising my kids was helping bring society to ruin, or my marriage was against nature, well, then we’d have a problem.

To me, there’s a huge difference in having opinions and telling people anyone with a different one is so wrong that people or society will suffer. Those are fighting words.

And again, it’s the topic that’s important. If someone REALLY thought that my drinking Diet Coke after 7 was going to bring about ruin, I’d just laugh. But bring my husband and his color into it, watch out.

Agi– I am so sorry you have had to deal with that in your life, and your comment has brought up another question to my mind. I think it is good/fine/okay/great to be friends with someone who has different beliefs. But clearly, as in Agi’s case there are some belief sets that she will not allow (for good reason) in those she chooses to associate with. So my question is, where is a good line? How do you decide where that line is?

Ooh and I am just curious– so if I say the words, “I think people in general need to not drink Coca Cola after 7 pm.” How does that come across to you? Assume that I make the statement and leave it at that. As a 9:30 Coke drinker, does that make you feel judged or pressured? I’m curious.

They explicitly thought I should not have spoken my mind and just “got along” because we were friends. But…I wasn’t going to stay silent when some thought it was OK for a racist grandmother to forbid her granddaughter from going to the prom with a black man. I continued to speak out when one of them thought that learning about civil rights “ruined the innocence of our kindergarteners” and that it was “ancient history”.

Why did I bother? Because these were people I CARED about and wanted to try and get them to understand that my having a black/white biracial daughter and a black husband made it all my fight, that saying civil rights was ancient history hurt ME.

I could not have stayed quiet in the interest of friendship. Sometimes values are too important to stay silent, and yes, I suppose it DID get personal. And looking at my daughter navigate life, I know I did the right thing.

For the record, I have since begun a blog of my own about living in a biracial family. I sometimes get comments that are less than friendly. I expect that, since I know from personal experience that not everyone thinks black and white together is ok.

You asked Erica above whether she would only be friends with people like her in belief…for me, it is very hard, VERY hard, to be ok with people who either have racist views or let those who have them get away with them. As I do with some family members, I would try to get them to see my point of view and change, but if not, then I’d certainly limit contact, be it online or real life.

And to be REALLY controversial, I’ll go so far as to say there are people whose views make it difficult, even impossible to be friendly with. And that OK too. I don’t ONLY want friends exactly like me, but I want to surround myself with those who won’t bring me down, so to speak. There are certain views that are cornerstones of my life, and when I come across someone who thinks those views are wrong or even dangerous, I don’t feel very friendly.

They explicitly thought I should not have spoken my mind and just “got along” because we were friends. But…I wasn’t going to stay silent when some thought it was OK for a racist grandmother to forbid her granddaughter from going to the prom with a black man. I continued to speak out when one of them thought that learning about civil rights “ruined the innocence of our kindergarteners” and that it was “ancient history”.

Why did I bother? Because these were people I CARED about and wanted to try and get them to understand that my having a black/white biracial daughter and a black husband made it all my fight, that saying civil rights was ancient history hurt ME.

I could not have stayed quiet in the interest of friendship. Sometimes values are too important to stay silent, and yes, I suppose it DID get personal. And looking at my daughter navigate life, I know I did the right thing.

For the record, I have since begun a blog of my own about living in a biracial family. I sometimes get comments that are less than friendly. I expect that, since I know from personal experience that not everyone thinks black and white together is ok.

You asked Erica above whether she would only be friends with people like her in belief…for me, it is very hard, VERY hard, to be ok with people who either have racist views or let those who have them get away with them. As I do with some family members, I would try to get them to see my point of view and change, but if not, then I’d certainly limit contact, be it online or real life.

And to be REALLY controversial, I’ll go so far as to say there are people whose views make it difficult, evne impossible to be friendly with.